life is elsewhere

lost a baby at 6 weeks. It hits me hard. everything happens so suddenly, bleeding, slight cramping, then it’s gone, 2 o’clock in the morning. I cried so hard, for being so helpless and powerless when it’s gushed out, for all the fun and beauty this baby is missing in this world, for its fading heartbeat (my imagination) and the tiny invisible body that I didn’t have a chance to hold or even touch. Worst of all, the disillusion that there won’t be another life with me inside anymore, the disillusion I would feel every morning I wake up, just tear me apart. We were not together very long before I lost it, but the idea of its there with me each and every moment inspired me and made me so happy and fearless for the past few weeks.