Going away and back�and wandering
I�m so eager to travel, to go any place other than home; but I�m even happier when I come back home-and I only found about the latter part recently, after spending one week in San Francisco, four-star hotel and expensive shopping spree, champagne and lobster at sunset by the golden gate bridge (it happens to be our 3rd anniversary!), trendy urban scenes played non-stop before your eyes as you walk or ride the streetcar, and feeling good that you are part of the landscape…Nonetheless, none of these evoked greater pleasure than the moment I plunge myself in my bed-at home in Los Angeles. I woke up in the morning and wondered: what happened to the wild kid who eager to off see the world, and who scoffed at parent�s comment �nowhere is better than home� and thought their life so lame? Am I growing up? Or am I growing old?
Still considering myself a curious child, I feel the changing in my heart and way of life day by day. Like this one, I feel more comfortable that life goes back to track than� say , go to an exotic place for unknown excitement�Mentally, I�m preparing for my mid age and years long after that. I paid quite a lot of attention to health tips and read �how to live to 100� in Time magazine two times. I walk, jog and drink a lot of water. Blockbuster and billboard songs hardly appeal to me anymore (where is the opinion leader of popular culture?); our cable channel is locked at CNN (What happened to the young girl who disliked journalism so much and gave it up after five years of education and training?). LA times and Newsweek (Which used to be so boring to me but now they can kept me sitting for one hour or two) replace romance or detective (I only read two fictions this year, Washington Square and One hundred years of solitude, and they are old, or classics�and I should read more of the kind ). God, I�m not only getting old, I�m getting boring! And most significant changes of all, I felt comfortable of being alone (not being single though�)
When I was really young, sometime that spanned high school and college, I had problem of fitting in. While I wished to join peers for fun, I could not fit in because I arrogantly think they have no ideology or principle for life. My generation growing up in China was educated to obey instead of to think, to fit in a big group instead of being a loner. Our intellectual puberty overlapped with the transition period of our country, switching abruptly from a monopolistic ideology to all possibilities: while we could not get away from the relic of old tradition and shadow of Maoist, we were suddenly overwhelmed by materialism, capitalism and other western culture. Our teachers and professors offer us survival strategy in a morbid society while they were shy away from giving us guidance on philosophical or spiritual level, for they were cut off from Chinese tradition and imported philosophy by culture revolution while they could not believe in communism wholeheartedly; what they can. While fumbling in the dark tunnel, I did a rebellious thing by joining an underground Christian youth fellowship, which worried my parents even more than if I went out with a wrong guy. While my peers were indulging themselves in dating, getting drunk, working hard for high score and top rank which to me is tedious and unnecessary (or because I couldn�t make it?), or being smarmy to the Party heads (oh yeah, the school and department is led by the Communist party and Youth Communist party branch) so as to get green lights on everything, all of which seems so empty to me, the youth fellowship kept me upbeat and spiritual, and brought me best of time of my college. The happiness last until three years later, I felt ashamed of myself for betraying the goodwill of all the brothers and sisters, who tried to keep me in a short-lived relationship with a brother, who I decided not a fit for me anymore. My dear brothers and sisters thought the relationship in God is blessed and they kept praying for the changing of my heart. I was panic and ran away�but I did not abandon my spiritual belief–I still pray every night, for world peace and God�s guidance and inspiration, and I read Psalm or Matthew when I was confused or lost, but I am very carefule to be involved in any religious group again. And this reluctance was even strengthened after I received a news letter from a Christian friend, whose home was the meeting place for an international fellowship that I used to participate, and who I respected very much. In one of his weekly news letter, he comments on the political situation saying that
�… there is only one thing that has made America a great nation and that is Trust in God. All of Hollywood, the main news and entertainment media, and the majority of those in the elite learning institutions in America hate that fact and would like to erase it from American culture. They especially hate our present president simply and only because he is a Christian. It doesn’t matter what happens in Iraq and it doesn’t matter what happens to the American economy. The only thing that matters to these God haters is that he is a professed Christian, so they want him out. Yet however much men have hated God and tried to wipe the knowledge of Jesus Christ from American society, they are doomed to failure. ..’
Such an irrational comment, bolder than right-winged radio, from such a rational gentleman (an engineer) chills me to the bone. I sincerely believe he doesn�t say it out of any political purpose; he just held a belief in the president who appeared to hold a unshakable believe in God. His notes serve an vivid footnote for me to better understanding the current political race in America: why the overwhelming supports for Republican come from those whose real interest the party hardly represents ( No matter they won this time, which seemed more and more obvious everyday, or not, they�ve already triumph on the victory of ideological battle, considering what they’ve done domestically and internationally� can�t help talking about politics again). As I said earlier, I don�t think it right that religion, or its community interferes with public life or other’s personal life. I realized how this country (or higher education?) changes me, I valued individulality more than group affiliation.
Speaking of that, I realized that this is an extreme example about one�s spiritual journey (or sometimes I wonder if it really ever started). The point made here is that I finally have peace of mind for being alone and individual now. All my younger days I was struggling to gain a sense of belonging and often feeling upset, and now it doesn�t bother me anymore. I just realized, not long ago, how precious of being alone and how important to think independently as a human being. All knowledge and information that we receive, all education and tradition we are exposed to, all sensual or material pleasure we are endowed with, and all institution or social groups that we are member of, can be the fetters to our intellectual freedom if we don�t think in our own. It took me almost thirty years to realize such a simple thing (I should have got it four or five years ago, when it is manifested so obviously in �Matrix� I. Who said we have to read Plato or Nietzsche?).
Now let me get back to the beginning of this blog: no matter how far away we go, or no matter how long we were isolated at a place, as long as we keep an open mind and a will to think, we are as free as, no, freer than, a bird . Nowadays my prayer to God has been added one more request, God, please let me think and not let me walk in others� shadow, and let all the people in the world think and not let their minds be slaved.